Last Friday Night...

Yea, we danced on tabletops, 


And we took too many shots, 


Think we kissed, but I forgot!


Last Friday night, I did none of this. Instead, I stayed home, watched some Tivo-ed Jeopardy shows, read a little, caught up on some blogs, and was in bed by the crazy hour of 10:30pm. In other words, I took some much needed me time Friday night.

And, you know what? I'm glad I did. After a 50 hour work week, I was in definite need of some me time. Usually, however, I don't stay in on Friday nights. Even if I have been up since 5am and have worked an 11 hour day, I still feel the need to do something on Friday night and be a "normal" college student. For some reason, I feel like I've failed if I don't have plans on Friday nights.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not one to always stay in on Friday nights. When I was in the depths of my eating disorder, I almost always stayed in on Friday nights. In the past year, I've had some wild, crazy, and super fun Friday nights, though! Some of my favorite friday nights...

Getting away from school to spend

a night in the wilderness (or a lake house...

close enough : )) 

Flying down to D.C. to visit one of my best friends 

at school for the weekend...and then spending Friday 

night going out in the city!

Getting dressed up to the nines and acting like children!

Going to the Hardrock Cafe for dinner and then acting 

as if the building itself is a playground!

Spending a Friday night on the lake with some best 

friends (of course S'mores were consumed later in the

night). 

Welcoming some awesome new members to my Sorority

Dressing up for Spring Formal 

I guess I need to learn that it's okay if not every Friday night is super exciting. There's nothing wrong with spending Friday night by myself and watching reruns of Say Yes to the Dress! I also need to work on not worrying about Friday night ahead of time. Last week, I had to make a conscious decision to stay in and accept it. I often worry that if I stay in, it is because of my eating disorder. I spent the better part of the second half of last week worrying about what would happen if I stayed in Friday night. Would I end up wasting my whole weekend?

You know what happened?

I got some much needed me time...

got up early the next morning, went on a 20 mile bike ride with my dad, then went to lunch with him, helped him run errands and saw Harry Potter!

Then on Sunday, I spent the day downtown with two of my oldest and best friends.

In other words, everything turned out perfectly fine! There was no need to worry in the first place.

So, why on my way home from work today did I find myself already worrying about what I would do this Friday night?

Maybe, I can get one of my friends to go see the Winnie the Pooh movie with me?

Maybe, I'll hang out with my college friends (who are here for the summer) and go to the bars with them?

But, what if I'm up too late?

What I drink too much and don't feel like running in the morning?

What I don't drink at all, so I can make it home and don't have a good time?

Or maybe I can go to a friend's house and have pizza and watch a movie?

But wait, I'm going to have Pizza on Thursday....Is it really okay to eat Pizza two nights in a row??

STOP....Dear Brain, thank you for your input, but please shut the **** up! It's Tuesday. I still have three days of work to get through before I need to worry about Friday night. I should really start worrying about Friday night on Friday afternoon....not on Tuesday.

Even though I know this, I guess I feel more in control if I worry about it, and try to start making plans now. You know what, though? I'm really just going to stress myself out more. I'll probably make plans and they will change. So I'm just going to go with the flow, roll with the punches, and worry about here and now. And, if I don't end up doing something on Friday night, it's not the end of the world!

Okay, well I have stuff to do, so I'm going to stop rambling.

Before I go, though, I just wanted to touch on something in regards to yesterday's post. I did end up running. Not only that, but I did so bright and early. I went to bed super early last night and woke up feeling energized and whipped out a 4 mile run in about 34 minutes. There was no reason to obsess about this yesterday. I listened to my body (my body wanted to run early), devoted my attention to running while I was running, and that was that. Now, I need to stop thinking about tomorrow's run.

4 miles...check! And it's not even 6:30 

yet! 

Bye blog-a-boos!

Do you ever worry about what you are going to do on Friday nights way ahead of time?

How do you handle early morning runs?

Guilty as Charged....

This post is going to be on the short side because this girl just worked ten and a half hours....with 36 kids!

Anyways, I just wanted to quickly talk about exercise and my somewhat unhealthy relationship with it. When I first developed an eating disorder over three years ago, I definitely developed an addiction to exercise. I would spend one to two hours on the elliptical, bike all the time, go to a bunch of group classes, etc. I was exercising almost every day and definitely under-fueling myself. As the months went by, however, and I got weaker, I gave up exercise. I didn't really start exercising again until a about a year ago. 

For the past year, I think I've maintained a pretty healthy relationship with exercise. I mainly run, but I also bike, go to yoga occasionally, and strength train. I'm pretty good about compensating for the calories I burn. I also would say that I look forward to exercise for the most part. 

So what am I guilty of, exactly?

Well, I'm guilty of feeling guilty when I don't exercise or exercise enough (If that makes any sense at all). 

Today is a perfect example. This weekend I biked 20 miles with my dad on Saturday and ran 5 miles yesterday. I was planning on taking my lunch break at work to run another 3.5-4 miles) this morning (I usually take my lunch in the morning and eat with the kiddos later in the day). Well, I was kind of in a funk this morning and didn't feel like running at all. So, did I take a rest day? No, I didn't. I decided to a NROLFW workout today and run stairs in the hockey rink later in the afternoon instead. The rational part of my brain knows it would perfectly fine to take a rest day, but this is where I still struggle with disordered eating exercise thoughts. It's not like I think I'm going to ballon up in one day and gain 10 pounds; its more that I feel I will lose motivation if I take an unscheduled rest day. Crazy, right? 

Since I didn't get my planned run in this morning, I was kind of grumpy and anxious throughout the morning. Although I was responsible for the activities and safety of three counselors and thirty six kids, all I could think about was what I would do at the gym. First off, this is ridiculous because the NROLFW is a very structured program, so it's not like I had to come up with a routine for myself. Secondly, my job is more important. My disordered brain usually won't let me relax, however, until I get my exercise in for the day. If I don't exercise in the morning, I feel like I'll lose motivation and won't exercise at all. I know I need to change my thinking regarding this. If I plan to workout in the afternoon, I should go about my morning and think about the "here and now" of the morning and worry about my workout when I'm working out. Now, this is rational a lot more rational thinking. 

As for tomorrow, I'm planning on doing the same 3.5-4 mile run during my break that I was planning on doing today. I'm also considering doing it first thing in the morning when I wake up before I head to work. I usually like to have some breakfast in me before I run, though. And without getting up before 5, I would have to either run on an empty belly or a full belly to accomplish this. I need to stop stressing about my run tomorrow, though. I'll figure it out, and if I don't run or it's not the greatest, it's not the end of the world. 

Anyways, on a more lighter note, here is a picture of the delicious dinner cooked by my momma tonight: 

Restaurant size Morningstar blackbean burger, spinach, 

baked sweet potato rounds, and some chili/lime corn

on the cob. 'Twas delicious. I was planning on eating the burger

in a pita, but we were all out : (

Well, seeing that I have to get up around 5am tomorrow for work, I'm going to wrap this post up. I need to catch up on everyone else's blogs and get in some quality reading time before bed. I'm 2/3rds of the way through this book and absolutely in love with it. 

Happy Monday y'all!

How do you deal with exercise guilt when you don't exercise?

Any good books you've been reading lately? 

Guess Who's Back?

Back again....Kristy's back....tell a blogger friend.

Okay, lame...I know, I know. I just had to use Eminem lyrics (although I have to say I'm not a huge fan of him, especially of that song in particular) to tell you all that I'm going to give blogging another go. I'm sorry I made a huge disappearance on you all last August....almost a year ago. Almost a year ago?!?!? I can't believe a whole year has gone by. My-oh-my, how time flies! While I haven't been blogging myself, I've been reading everyone else's blogs pretty consistently.

Anyways, you're probably wondering what I have been up to this past year. Right?

Well, I've been up to a lot, but to be honest, I don't even know where to start.

For one, I finished my junior year of college. Although I often overlook this, it is a pretty big accomplishment.

I've been a very active member of my sorority....

Spring '11 Formal

Had a lot of fun times with great friends.....

80's workout night!

Myrtle Beach Aquarium 

 Enjoyed some good vegetarian eats. I've been a veggie for over a year now!

Thai food...mmmmm. This stir fry was legit

the spiciest thing I've ever eaten!

 Kicked some behind at some races-5ks, 10ks, and trail races...I'm thinking about doing a half this fall(more to come on that later)...

4th of July 5k (A hot one for sure!)

 Traveled with the chicas...

Gotta love the beach!

Recently started weight lifting....

Yep, I jumped on the bloggie bandwagon, 

purchased, and read this book. 

And landed the assistant director position at the summer camp I worked at as a counselor last summer, and I'm currently working 11 hour days!

A few of my kiddos : )

I've been pretty busy to say the least. If I'm going to be 100% honest, though, I must admit that my eating disorder has taken control over some small aspects of my life again. Although I'm 100 times stronger than I was 2 years ago, I must admit that I'm not as spontaneous or indulgent as I was a year to six months ago. Although I eat enough and am very involved in the "real world" and am an active participant in my life, I sometimes feel like I've become too health focussed or think too much about exercise. I eat healthy most of the time and spend too much thinking about healthy foods. I also feel like I schedule exercise into my day and make it a top priority.

On the other hand, I sometimes feel like I got to a point where I was almost "too recovered" from my eating disorder. I know that sounds absurd. How can one be too recovered from an eating disorder??? Well, "too recovered" is probably the wrong phrase. I guess, I could say I forced myself to be too spontaneous, too indulgent, and too fun to prove to myself and all those around me that I was 100% covered from my eating disorder. And as far as exercise goes, I feel like it's such a mood lifter and love how strong it makes me feel. Crossing the finish line at a race and achieving a PR is one of the best feeling evah'! Also, right now, I'm working 11 hours a day, so I feel the need to stick to a strict exercise routine. So, thinking about where I am now....maybe I've just learned to balance things and find a happy medium between being the girl who never goes out and has to control everything and the girl who goes out every weekend and is up for anything.

I think part of it is a balance thing and part of it is Ed rearing his ugly head.

Hopefully, blogging once again will help me figure everything out and be the real Kristy....not "controlled by Ed" Kristy and not "Counter Ed" Kristy--just Kristy. I have a lot more to share....a lot of good things and a few...well, not so good things, but I'm a busy lady, so I've got to get on with my Sunday afternoon.

Have a good Sunday blog-a-boos!


A few questions for you: 


After recovering from an eating disorder, did you ever find yourself doing things you didn't truly enjoy or find yourself pushing yourself too far just to prove you were recovered? 


How do you incorporate exercise into a busy lifestyle? On days when you can't exercise, how do you deal with negative thoughts?


Any fun plans for the weekend..or the remainder of it anyways? (I just went out to lunch and the beach with two of my oldest and best friends)

Just Do It!

Hello bloggies,

Let me be honest upfront. I don't have a lot of food pics to go a long with this post. I have just been super busy lately, so I really haven't had time to snap picture of my eats. I have been eating a lot of yummy food lately, though.

Anyways, I've been up to a lot recently. I'm now two weeks into fall semester and although I really like most of my classes this year, I have so much homework. I remember when I thought I had a lot of homework freshman year. Now, I look back and laugh, because the amount of freshy homework fails in comparison to the amount of work I have now.

So much homework...Aahhh!

 Despite the overwhelming amount of work, I really love my classes this semester. Well, most of them anyways. I'm taking mostly education classes. One of my classes is all about lesson planning, another is about meeting special needs in the classroom, yet another is about teaching P.E. as an elementary teacher (I have no idea why I have to take this, seeing that I am not a P.E. educator major. At least it's easy), and my final education class is a field experience class. For this class, I actually get to go into a school one day a week, shadow, and be an assistant teacher of sorts. At the end of the semester, I actually get to take over two classes and teach all by myself. The best part about the field placement, though, is that I got placed in my old elementary school. I'm super excited to go back and teach in the school that I attended when I was youngin'! I'm working in a 1st and 2nd grade classroom by the way.

I'm going back to my old school!

My last class is a history class, which I hate, mainly because I'm not really sure what's going on. The class is title Medieval Mystics and Heretics. It was the only history class I could get into. I feel like everyone else in the class knows so much more about medieval history than I do. I'm kind of struggling to stay afloat, but with a positive attitude, I can do anything, right? I just finished an essay for the class, which I am really relieved is now out of the way.

When I'm not in class or studying, I'm usually working. As I mentioned in another post, I'm working at an after school program every monday, wednesday, and friday afternoon. I really do like my job. I just love working with kids. One thing I have to be aware of, though, is social class and family differences among kids. I was really fortunate this summer to work with kids who all came from really supportive families. I just need to be extra cautious where I work now not to assume anything.

As if school and work are not enough, I'm also really involved with my sorority this year. Two weekends ago, we had spirit week where we all got together, reunited after along summer, and prepared for recruitment, which starts next week. It was really nice to spend quality time with my sisters after the long summer. It was also nice to spend time with all these girls after my besties from home left to go back for school. To be honest, I'm a little nervous about formal recruitment because I'm going to be way over scheduled. every day next week is basically going to look like this...wake up at 6am, go to class, do homework, go to more classes, go to work, and then recruitment events until like 11pm at least. Wow, I'm going to be busy!

<3...Where' Waldo Kristy? Can you find me?

Okay, now onto the good stuff. As I mentioned a few days ago, I went to D.C. to visit one of my best friends at school last weekend. It was soooooo much fun. I've been to Washington D.C. many times before with my old high school and my family, so we skipped a lot of the usual touristy D.C. stuff. We did, however, go to Georgetown, the Capitol, Metro Center, a big mall, Chinatown, and Union Station. We also went out almost every night and ended up eating pizza at 2 am.  Now, I must admit that I used to never go out. I realize, however, that Ed was the one who didn't like going out. Ed thought alcohol had too many calories and that staying at home and sitting on the couch was way better than going out, enjoying myself, and being social. Well, now that Ed plays a much, much smaller role in my life (getting smaller every day!), I go out every once in a while and enjoy myself. Honestly, as long as other aspects of my life are my first priority and aren't compromised by going out here and there, drinking is okay. Did you hear that Ed? I don't care if a cocktail has x amount of calories; I care about having fun and living my life!

The Exorcist steps!

Goin' out! (Just to let you know, I didn't wear the sweatshirt out. 

It was just so comfy, I didn't take it off until last minute...haha)

Chop't  Custom Salad--mesclun mix, carrots, oranges, cranberries, glazed 

walnuts,glazed walnuts, whole wheat tortilla slice, and honey dijon 

dressing...soo good! I really wish we had a Chop't in Vermont.

You're girl here ate a whole can of Spaghettios one night! Ed was 

definitely not invited on this trip. 

The national mall 

Anyways, while I was in Washington D.C., I met this guy and we ended up chilling a couple nights. I could totally tell he was into me, and I was pretty into him as well. Although nothing really resulted (a.k.a a relationship) from the situation, I'm glad I went out with him a couple nights. Ever since Ed, I have been really afraid of relationships with guys, but now that Ed is getting weaker, I have room for a man in my life. Maybe, I'll find a guy here in Vermont. Fingers crossed.....

Anywho, I flew back from D.C. late monday night and I had a class 8am Tueday morning. It definitely wasn't fun dragging my behind out of bed super early on Tuesday morning, but I did it. I also managed to get through another week of school. Oh, and I went to Friendly's with a friend on Thursday and ate this bad boy for lunch:

Grilled asian chicken salad--A-mazing! (No I didn't take the pic.)

After working hard all week, I rewarded myself and went out with a few of my sorority sisters Friday night. I had an awesome time even though I didn't get to bed until 4am. I also got to sleep in on Saturday....score! After a relaxing morning, I went out shopping with my mom yesterday. We also got pedicures....mommy daughter relaxation is a must. Then I ended up going out with one of my guy friend's last night. We went to Chili's and went to go see Going the Distance. It was a nice, relaxing night.

This movie is hilarious. It's really awkward to 

see with a guy friend though. 

Today, I did homework all morning, and now I'm going to run out to the mall to pick up a few fashion essentials. Later, I going out to dinner with my family and then I have a chapter meeting for my sorority. Tomorrow, school starts back up again....oh joy!

Before I leave you all for the night, I just wanted to tell you how much more I am able to do with Ed dictating my every mode. In the depth of my eating disorder, I had no energy or motivation to do anything. Yes, I went to school and I got really good grades, but that was all that mattered to me besides food and weight of course. I had no energy to spend time with friends and when I did,  I was like a walking zombie.

Now, however, I can do school work much more efficiently. I also don't obsess about getting an A+ on everything. Without Ed in my life, there is such thing as "good enough"; not everything has to be perfect. I also push myself out of my comfort zone to hang out with people that aren't my best friends. I'm working too, and I'm always doing something. I have the energy and desire to do stuff now. Not everything is a chore like it used to be. No, not everything is "ponies and rainbows". I still have issues with anxiety, some control issues over food, and arguments with my family, but I have so many more happy moments than I used to. I'm so much more content; I'm not scared of everything like I used to be.

Point being, if any of you are afraid to leave Ed behind and head into uncharted waters, leave your reservations behind and just do it! I know it's easier said than done, but I promise you it's worth it. When I first started recovery six months ago, I was terrified....scared to stay with Ed, scared to leave him. For a while, I was saying that I was "recovering", but I was really reluctant to let go. When I did this, I didn't get anywhere. Yes, I was eating more, but I still wasn't living. Please, just leave Ed behind and live your life! If Ed was still ruling my life, I wouldn't be able to do any of the great things I'm doing now!

Where have I been?

I'm so sorry for disappearing. I have just been super busy lately. School has started back up, my job has started, and I went to D.C. last weekend to visit one of my besties. I'll do a full post soon and fill you in on all the details, but let's just say I ate this bad boy:

Georgetown Cupcake peanut butter fudge cupcake

'nough said? I think so!

I promise to blog soon and update you all on the details of my life. 

Happy Thursday night everyone!

Living My Life!

Hello blog world!

I'm so sorry I haven't posted in like forever. I kept telling myself I was going to post,  but I was always just to busy. Doing what?....you may ask. LIVING LIFE! Yep, you heard me right. I've been overcoming Ed and enjoying my summer like every other college student should be.

I spent most of my summer working. I was working almost 50 hours a week. Yes, it was a lot of hours, but I truly enjoyed my job this summer. Every day I got spend time with the funniest, sweetest, happiest (and sometimes brattiest) kids in the state of Vermont! My job was essentially to take care of these kids during the day in a summer camp setting. Helping kids take care of themselves really showed me how important it is to take care of my self. Kids at camp always copied what I did and looked up to me as a roll model. Well, roll models have to nourish their bodies. There is no if, ands, or buts about it. My job was also physically draining. I know there would be no way I could make it through the day with out giving my body the nourishment it needed and deserved.

I also liked my job this summer because it allowed me to form more relationships with people at my school.  Last year, I transferred to my school and immediately joined a sorority. I love my sisters to death, but last year they were really the only people I spent time with on campus. Working with other college students outside of the sorority (who are education majors...may I add) was nice. I formed some close bonds with some of these people. The night before the last day of work, we all went out had dinner and then partied after at one of my coworkers apartments. That night, I wasn't counting calories or worried about the nutritional info of everything I was putting into my mouth. Instead, I was having fun! I really hope to further develop some of these relationships when school starts back up in a few weeks.

When work ended, I realized that I had a few weeks with no set plans. Although I was excited to sleep in after getting up at 5:00am for work almost every day this summer, I was worried about how I would fill my time and prevent Ed from filling it. One thing I really struggle with right now is unscheduled time or time when I am not busy. When I'm not doing anything, Ed tends to make me think about food and all of my worries in life. Luckily, though, I've managed to keep myself pretty busy. I've spent a lot of time with some of my best friends and my family.....

I've seen a lot of movies with my best friend Elaine, including....

Charle St. Cloud: Zac Efron is a hottie!

Despicable Me: So cute!

Inception: so confusing but really really good!

Spent time at the beach with my besties......

Jet skis are awesome!

Relaxing on the dock

Just thinking and taking in the beauty of my surroundings...

Two of my friends fighting over the tube

Had bonfires with my friends.....

Our beautiful bonfire on a windy night

Two of my friends...roasting Marshmallows....I think???

Chillin'

Gone to amusement parks with my family....

My dad and I waiting n line at the Great Escape!

Biked with my dad (yes, I'm allowed to exercise now)

Vermont countryside is so pretty!

Got a new car!

2010 Rav 4....yes, my dad had to take a picture of me in front of 

it...haha

Enjoyed beautiful sunsets with good company...

Can't really see the sunset here because we are in the way

And relaxed!

Well, kind of....

In recovery related news, I'm doing pretty well. I'm not sure if my nutritionist meant to tell me this, but at my appointment last week, she mentioned that I am only 8 pounds away from my goal weight (a bmi of 19). 8 pounds......It really isn't that much. I thought I had a lot more weight to gain. In some weighs finding out I didn't have a lot of weight left to gain got Ed going. I thought I had more weight to gain, so I thought I was at a lower weight. This gets Ed telling me I am fat. However, knowing my approximate weight doesn't change the shape of my body. Nothing has changed except now I know some numbers and am aware of how well I am doing. In some ways, knowing I only have 8 pounds left to gain makes it easier because 8 pounds isn't that much, and my body isn't going to be that much different with 8 pounds of extra weight (aka: health). Case and point: 8 pounds...I can do this!

And now onto the food....

Margarita Grilled Chicken (with ketchup), eaten at  Chili's, with a 

friend

PB&J on whole wheat...I made one for me and some for my friends

when we went to the beach!

Van's Whole Wheat Waffles with syrup (not shown) & Yoplait

 Greek Strawberry Yogurt

Subway! Turkey & swiss on honey wheat 9 grain bread w/ lettuce

& honey mustard with a side of baked sour cream & cheddar Ruffles

Yogurt mess: Chobani plain greek yogurt, Kashi Heart to Heart

Warm Cinnamon, Peanut Butter Puffins, spoonful of PB&Co. 

Mighty Maple peanut butter, sliced nanner, and a lot of cinnamon

A s'more that I devoured in 3.2 seconds....Take that Ed!

I have to admit that I have been slacking off a little food-wise. Although I'm not intentionally restricting, I am not always getting all my snacks in. Yes, I have been busy, but if I want to put Ed to rest I have to be proactive in my recovery and make sure to give my body every bit of nutrition it needs. Anyways, here are some food pictures that have accumulated over the past few weeks.

Anyways, I plan on enjoying the last few weeks of summer. I'm going to be busy, but I think that is a good thing. I'm working at a kids' scrap booking camp the rest of the week. Then next week I start job training for my part-time job this fall. Did I mention that I am working at a kids after school program this year? Well, I'm really excited for it. This job will provide me with a nice break from school, add to my resume, keep me busy, and allow me to work with kids.

Spirit week for my sorority also starts next week. I'm pretty excited to spend some time with my sorority sisters! And, the week after school starts back up. I'm a little nervous, but also pretty excited. To be honest, I'm kind of frustrated with my school this semester. They didn't give me housing, so I'll be living at home, which I have mixed feelings about. Also, they messed up my schedule. I've been working with my advisor to get the classes I need. At the end of the day, though, I can't worry about everything and resort to Ed. He won't fix my problems. Instead, I need to trust that I have done everything I can to mend the situation and live my life....now, here, in the present. And that is exactly what I intend on doing!

I'll try to post more!

Until then, keep reaching for the stars ****!

Love you all!

Sooooo busy!

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I've just been really really busy lately. I'll post soon; I promise! Love you all! xoxo

Kristy