Yep, you heard me right; it's time to get my act together and get my booty moving in the right direction. Where am I headed? Well, I'm heading towards recovery. I'm ready to leave ED behind and live my life!
Now, I'm not saying that I wasn't moving towards recovery before because I was. I just wasn't moving there fast enough; I was doing the minimum. To outsmart Ed, I can't just do the minimum. I have to give everything I got (I know the use of got isn't grammatically correct, but I like the sound of it...okay, I'm officially a grammatical dork.)
Now, what prompted this "epiphany", per say? The thought of inpatient treatment.....that's what! Even though I was following my meal plan, I really wasn't gaining weight. Yes, I would gain 1/4 pound here, and a 1/4 pound here, but the total weight gain was pretty insignificant. This lead my outpatient team to strongly recommend inpatient treatment to me. Personally, just the thought of inpatient treatment, whether it be traditional inpatient or residential, scares the willies out of me. Initially, I begged and I pleaded, trying to come up with a million reasons as to why I didn't need to go. And guess what, no one listened : (
After some contemplation, though, I realized that talk is only talk, and it only goes so far. To convince my outpatient team and parents that I didn't need to go, I had to do one thing: Eat (more)! Once I realized this, I committed myself to eating more. Yesterday I added something to every meal and snack. In total, I think I probably added about 700 calories to my daily intake.
Today, I talked with my therapist and nutritionist about my willingness determination to eat more. Although they still think that inpatient treatment could benefit me, they are giving me another chance to put on some weight. Although I am apprehensive about all the calories that were added to my meal plan (I'm pretty sure they added about 1000 calories!), I'm ready to do this. I don't want to go to inpatient and I want to recover!
Like I told my therapist, for me, recovery is the light at the end of the tunnel. I fully recognize that I am no where near recovery or the light at the end of the tunnel. Because of this, the light appeared dim and I was only walking towards the light. However, another light has appeared behind me and not a good one. The light behind me is the headlight of a train (a.ka. inpatient treatment). In order to stay ahead of this light, I need to break out into a run, and that is exactly what I intend on doing.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not under the impression that eating all this food is going to be easy. Mentally, it's going to drive ED up the wall, and physically, I'm going to be full all the time. I know the extra calories are necessary, though. If I don't push myself past the point of full, I'm not going to gain weight. It's as simple as that.
I'm sorry this post is lacking in the picture department. I'll try do another post really soon with many pics and an updated version of my meal plan. I'm subbing all day tomorrow and the day after, so a post may be a few days out. We'll play it by year and see : )
Well, I hope you all are having lovely weeks. Talk to you soon! Until then, I'm going to eat, eat, and eat some more.