Friday, September 30, 2011

Under My Skin

Happy Friday everyone! I hope you are all looking forward to a fantastic, fun-filled, fall weekend.

On to today's post topic...

I really hate to be a Debbie-downer, and I really want to try to keep this blog as positive as possible. However, if I'm going to be honest, I've really let Ed get under my skin the past couple days.

Let me explain...

I knew this weekend would involve a lot of drinking and pushing myself out of my comfort zone. It's one of my best friend's 21st Birthdays. This whole school year, I've only got out (to drink) a few times. I've gone through different stages in college and have had different attitudes towards drinking alcohol and the dreaded wasted calories that come along with it.

During the worst of my eating disorder, I never drank. It took too much energy and time and why would I dare waste precious calories on a drink? Ummm...because sometimes it's okay to let go and have fun Kristy!

When I finally truly started recovering from my eating disorder, I went out all the time. I loved the social aspect of going out and really wanted to prove to everyone and myself above all else that Ed did not have control of my life and that I knew how to have fun! Although I have a lot of fun memories from this time, I don't think I was being true to myself. Kristy doesn't like to spend all weekend either drinking or being hung over. Kristy likes to be active, productive, and do other fun stuff. 

This year, I probably go out on average every couple weeks. It's enough to keep my friends off my back....."Come on, you have to have a good time. It's your senior year. You only live once!", and it also gives me plenty of time to do other fun things with my friends (apple picking, movie nights, dinner dates, you name it. And, I hate to admit it, but it keeps Ed happy. If I only go out everyone in a while, there is no way I'll gain weight from the empty calories in alcohol.

So, what does this all have to do with this weekend? Well, I had been planning on going out Thursday (last night) and Saturday night to celebrate my friend's 21st birthday. Last week, though, I unexpectedly went out on a Thursday night. I also had a 9 mile run planned for the next morning.

Even though I drank a good amount, I managed to run not 9 but 10 miles! I told myself that I didn't need to do a long run this week because I have over a month until the half marathon, and I don't need to keep increasing my miles every week. My little legs deserve a rest!

Anyways, last night I did go out for my friend's birthday, and overall, I had a really good time. Here's some pictures from the night to prove it...

So what's the issue? Well, towards the end of the night, I started worrying about how long of a run I was going to do in the morning. I kept thinking thoughts like...

Maybe I can do 11 miles this time. I didn't think I could do 9 miles after drinking last week, and I did 10!

A long run will burn off the alcohol calories!

If I wasn't going out right now, I could go to bed early, eat a healthy and fueling breakfast and crank out a long run! Then I wouldn't have to worry about it next week. 

We were also out pretty late, and I was getting sort of hungry and also wanted to drink a little more. However, I heard Ed's nasty little voice...

It's after midnight, so no, you can't eat anything. 

You went out for dinner and ate a lot. You should not be hungry. 

In retrospect, I really wished I would have just lived in the "here and now" of last night. I really did have a good time, and I wouldn't have missed my friend's birthday for the world, but I'm just mad at myself for inviting Ed along.

This morning, I decided not to do a long run. Although Ed's voice was telling me that I should do a long run, so I don't have to worry about it next week and I could burn off all the alcohol calories, I listened to my body and did a quick five mile long. Truth be told, I could have run longer if my stomach hadn't acted out. I didn't use the bathroom before hand, so I had to go (if you know what I mean). Sorry if that's too much information.

When I initially finished my run, I thought I could have run longer. In other words, Ed started talking again. I told him to SHUT UP, though! I'm sick of his voice. After a long night out and little sleep, I shouldn't be expected to run 10 + miles just because I'm training for a half marathon. I did a longer run last week than I had to, I ran 6 days this last week, and I did a 5 and a 6 mile run this week. That's enough...plenty....I don't need to do a long run.

I know this post is kind of all over the place, but the last thing that has been bugging me is the thought of going out again on Saturday. Originally, I was going to force myself to go out both nights. However, I don't think this is the best idea. I have a busy weekend ahead of me, and I don't think I need to go out just to please my friends and spite Ed.

I went out last night.

Tonight, I'm going to a lovely overnight getaway at a ski lodge with my sorority. I'm so excited for this.

And, on Sunday, I'm going apple picking with a bunch of friends, am planning on going to a hot yoga class, have my weekly sorority meeting, and have homework to get done.

Quite simply, I think going out on Saturday would be more draining than empowering. Although I know Ed may play into this decision a little bit, I have plenty of other reasons not to go out. Also, I'm still going to go to my friend's party and enjoy seeing her and a lot of my other friends. I just don't need to drink and go to the bars until 2am after as well. If I really feel up for it on Saturday then so be it, but I'm not going to force myself to go.

Once again, I'm sorry if this post was all over the place or was kind of negative. I'm really working to shut Ed up and listen to the only voice I ever voice!

What are you up to this weekend? 
Do you ever feel guilty about drinking or not running when you "should"?
Don't you just love Fall? I sure do!

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