Before I talk about my day, I wanted to share with you all a small epiphany I had today. Although I know my realization won't make Ed go away (right away anyways), I think it is a step in the right direction. So, today I was weighed by nutritionist and unfortunately I lost weight (more on this later). Later in the day, I was thinking about how a lot of my Ed recovery progress is measured by how much weight I gain. The more I thought about this, the more stupid it seemed to sound. Don't get me wrong here; I fully understand that my weight needs to be monitored for health reasons, but recovery shouldn't be measured in pounds. Instead, it should be measured by having a normal relationship with food and getting the old me back. Luckily, I think my nutritionist and therapist understand this and just try to use weight as an indicator of recovery.
As the day went on, I kept thinking about the concept of weight more and more. I began thinking about weight in general--as in not related to my eating disorder. After a whole lot of thinking, I realized that the concept of weight as a measurement of health, beauty, happiness, etc. is so arbitrary and dumb. People always try to lose weight or be a certain weight, thinking that the numbers on a scale will bring them happiness. Really, weight is just a measure of the amount of gravity applied on the body and nothing more. A certain weight will not bring happiness, health (in a lot of cases), or anything magical. It's just a number on the scale.
As I said before, I realize my realization won't rid Ed. I know that my eating disorders are emotional disorders and aren't all about weight. Having that said, I really hope that recognizing the triviality of weight and numbers on the scale will give me a boost forward in recovery.
Okay, with the heavy stuff out of the way, let me talk about my day.
I woke up early this morning to a....yep, you guessed it yogurt mess. I couldn't decide whether I wanted Peanut Butter Puffins or Kashi GoLean in my yogurt mess this morning, so instead of contemplating over cereal choices for a half an hour, I came up with a brilliant solution: HAVE BOTH! So, my yogurt mess consisted of Peanut Butter Puffins, Kashi Go Lean, a plain Brown Cow Greek Yogurt, a nanner, and pb2
Both my taste buds and belly greatly appreciated this bowl of yumminess!
After breakfast, I showered and headed to an appointment with my nutritionist. As I briefly mentioned earlier I lost weight. I'm not really sure why, though. I had been following my meal plan for the most part. Granted, some afternoon snacks were skipped in order to eat out for dinner, but I made sure that I ate more at dinner to compensate for the missed snack. I'm not sure how much my weight was done (I do blind weigh ins), but I'm afraid the weight loss may lead my therapist to think I need to go inpatient, which I really don't want to do. We'll see, I guess. My therapist is out of town for the week, so I have almost a week before I see her. My nutritionist upped my meal plan a little bit, so hopefully I'll be able to put the weight back on by the time my therapist gets back. (I have an appointment with my nutritionist again next week, where I will be weighed, the day after I meet with my therapist.) Oh, I forgot to mention that I snacked on a Kashi Golean Crunchy Bar of the chocolate almond variety during my appointment.
Once my nutritionist appointment was over, I headed to a natural market in the area to shop around and pick up a job application. Despite spending a good amount of time in the store, I only ended up purchasing one item...this natural ramen stuff (I can't remember the name at the moment). I'll give the name and post pics when I try it.
Early this afternoon, I headed back to school solely to have lunch with two friends. Hey, a girl has got to socialize! I'll be honest. The food sucked. I had a turkey sandwich with stale whole wheat bread and no cheese (I have no idea why this particular dining hall doesn't put cheese on their sandwiches) and an overripe, mushy apple. I was too busy chatting it up with mi amigos to take a pic. Sorry guys.
After lunch, I headed to the video store in hopes of renting me a copy of the movie The Terminal. To my dismay, though, the movie was checked out...urrrrrrrgggg. It was all good, though, because this girl got the movie Catch Me if You Can. I had seen it before, but it was a long time ago.
I then headed home, printed off some job applications and filled them out. Then I watched the movie I rented with my pops. It was really long but still good. I'd recommend it to anyone who hasn't seen it. While gushing over Mr. Decaprio on screen, I snacked on a triple chocolate Chocolite Protein Bar and Stretch Island Fruit Company Cherry Fruit Leather. I have to say that the peanut butter bar enjoyed yesterday was a lot better than the chocolate variety. The chocolate bar was still good, nonetheless.
Ain't he darlin'?
Like the flowers?
Okay, now I'm going to go eat dinner. This girl is going to have an uncrustable (it's unthawing as we speak I blog.) with pretzels or soy crisps, and some aappleswwacce--minus the porkchops.
My uncrustable just chillin'
Then I'm going to proofread a paper and send it to the prof'. I plan on finishing the night in front of the tube watching 19 Kids and Counting, snacking on a Vitatop and greek yogurt WITH some peanut butter mixed in. Yep, peanut butter was added to my evening snack on my meal plan today. Ed is kicking and screaming at the sight of this addition, but I love peanut butter, so I'm just going to ignore him : )
Have a good night loves!